The 'after' is attached and my commentary follows:

• Added spacing for better vertical centering.

• Eliminated the first name from the salutation

• Changed the order of the job opportunities. I put the sales job first because I sense that's the one you would prefer.

• Eliminated the "will graduate soon" part because that's an invitation to stop reading. It's something that you should not hide. However, if it interferes with their training schedule (try to find that out in advance), you should plan for work-arounds.

• I tightened up the wording and connected the sentences. Some of the language changes are geared to the new environment. For example, I changed "customer" to "client".

• The letter should emphasize what's important to the prospective employer so I eliminated the retail sales bit and led with the external business development.

• Changed the closing to better reflect your enthusiasm and make you seem valuable to them.

Attachments (pdf or rtf files only)
 After 2008.pdf [35 KB] :: After